Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Genre: Au!Au
Author: sadangel1980 and me, cornflake2912
Warnings: Sad
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Annie Proulx. We're not earning any money from this and write just for fun.
Feedback: We´d appreciate it.
Authors’ Notes: Thanks a lot to Patricia, hellspark72 for the professional beta-work. *hugs*!




The Gift



I could never get enough of having you close. I loved falling asleep next to you and waking up with you in my arms. Each morning you greeted me with a kiss on my nose and when I then opened my eyes the sun rose just for me, no matter if it was raining, storming or snowing outside. The whole house smelled of muffins when you baked them for breakfast. Our house, which we bought about three years ago.
We showered together. You rubbed my back and washed my hair. I loved drying off your body and putting lotion on your soft skin. Saying ‘good-bye’ to you every morning was hard, but I knew we’d see each other again for supper and have the whole night to ourselves.

You were always the first who had to leave. Your boss wanted you to be punctual and your office was far away. We had our own ‘saying-goodbye-ritua;’: First we hugged each other tight, then kissed. The days that you whispered that you loved me were so special to me. Then you climbed into your car and honked three times. Every day. I waved and watched until you had turned the corner. Each and every day.

When we got the call everything changed. Our small, happy world fell apart.

You insisted on keeping your job. I wished I could have kept you with me around the clock so that I could look into your brown eyes and stroke through your blond curls, whenever I felt the need.

For three months now, you haven't been able to work anymore. You are too weak and every movement is an effort for you. I visit you everyday and sit for hours next to your bed, holding your hand. Sometimes, you tell me your dreams. Last night we were at the ocean, you said. We built sandcastles, collected shells and went swimming. When the sun set, we made love in the water.

I try to suppress my tears, but then when I see you lying there almost helpless I just can’t help crying. You are the stronger one of us. You always have been and I’m proud to call you my man.

Every day we wait for good news, but unfortunately you’re a very special person and that’s why the doctors been not been able to save you, so far.

We celebrated your birthday in the hospital. I brought you flowers from our garden. I know you love “forget-me-nots” most. I was allowed to stay with you for the night, because it was your big day. It was so good to fall asleep next to you and hold you in my arms. I prayed and asked God to give you my strength for everything that might come and I sang "Happy Birthday" into your ear - quietly, when you were already asleep.

Today was a hard day. You’ve been in pain, I know it, but you won’t admit it so that you won't worry me. I see it in your eyes, they are drab and bleak and I can even smell that you don’t feel right. I know you too well; you can’t hide it.

I spoke to your doctor today and he told me that if they don’t find a match soon then….

I had them examine me today and I know now that my heart is only beating for you. I immediately signed the declaration. Of course, I haven’t told the doctors what I’m planning to do and I haven’t told you, either. I just looked into your face for the last time. Your hands are so cold, your lips pale. You will feel better soon and I know that we will be together for eternity.

Ennis del Mar, my heart has always been and will forever be yours. I give it to you and I am happy that it will continue to beat within you.

With love,
Your man Jack Twist.

*~*~*~*~*~*


You took your own life on a Thursday and I don’t know if I should hate or love Thursdays from now on. I don’t know if I can feel hate or even if I can feel anything at all. There’s nothing but emptiness in me.

I detest keeping a diary, you know that, but my therapist forces me to, in a gently kind of way.

Sometimes I cry so hard I can’t even see anything. Then I have to stop and wait until the tears have dried up to continue writing, to write to you. Words you will never read.

There are moments I would love to hit you for the stupid thing you have done. The worst thing is: You didn’t even give me the chance to say good-bye. You just left.

I miss you. So much that I can’t stand it. Day to day, it's the little things I notice. And then I need to sit down because I feel as if the ground is torn from under me.

The clinking of a knife against a jar of marmalade and how you used to make music like that.

The squeaking of the the floorboards in the house. It took five weeks for me to not start calling out your name in the hallway.

One time I found an old receipt from the dry cleaner’s, where you had dropped off your nice suit. When I went to pick it up and the girl who helped me asked me to say "Hello" to you, I burst into tears.

I can’t stand it if anybody touches me. Not my sister and not our friends, because I feel your touch in me every second of the day and it fills me so completely that no other touch stands a chance.

I tidied up the garage. I know I should take it easy, but there isn't anybody else who could do it. I found an old framed picture of us, New Year’s Eve, three years ago. You’re licking my cheek and we’re grinning sheepishly into the camera. Jesus, you’re so beautiful, Jack, and I miss your smile so badly!

The other day, I was in the pool for my physical therapy. Some people whispered when they saw my scar, but I wear it proudly. It’s all I have left of you.

At night, I lay on my side and feel you stinging in me. I then put my hand on my chest and can see you behind my closed eyes.

Jack, I’m dying with longing. There are days that I forget and think you are on a business trip and will come back home to me. Home…. Then I get so scared when reality hits me. I feel that at those times you forcefully remind me. How can I live when you are dead? It is still so hard for me to accept. Like nature made a wrong turn. This isn't how it is supposed to be.

But you always were pig-headed. No one would probably have been able to talk you out of it. I don’t know how to survive all the hours in the day. Sometimes I lose myself watching a raindrop rolling slowly down our kitchen window and the finality of what you have done makes me painfully gasp for air. You will never again feel the rain. You will never again enjoy popcorn. You will never know the man I will become.

Once, I found myself with a sharp knive in my hand. It would have been so easy to open my veins… but you, you son-of-a-bitch, made sure I would never do it.

I wonder if I would have said ‘yes’ to us if I had known that my heart would fail before I reached 30. I ask myself this question very often and every time the answer is… no.

Jack. You will be with me forever now. You will always be close to me. So close that I could touch your soul. This is a gift that I never asked for, but that, after a very long time, I can finally accept. Someday you will decide when we will see each other again.

In love,

Ennis